Talking to your partner about money

The time to know about your partner’s finances is when they begin to mix with yours.

This will often be when you start living together and paying bills jointly. It’s at this point that your partner’s finances can begin to have a more significant effect on yours, and vice versa.

Money issues can come up at any point in a relationship:

• when you’re first dating
• when you decide to move in together
• deciding to have children
• buying a house
• when you want to retire
• even if you decide to separate.

And it’s important that issues are discussed and resolved. 

We all have different attitudes to money. You might be cautious and always saving your pennies. Or you might feel that money is there to be spent and that ‘you can’t take it with you’.

It’s completely normal to have different opinions about money – we all come from different backgrounds.

It’s how we manage these differences that’s important.

If you decide to move in together, the good news is it can cost less to live together and share expenses than to live on your own.

So, by being life ‘partners’, you’ll have opportunities to save and invest that wouldn’t be available otherwise.

But you want to avoid the frustration that comes if you and your partner have completely different attitudes and goals about money.

In reality, couples are never going to agree on everything. But it’s working out what your differences of opinion are that can lead to a compromise.

The first step is to work out what your opinions on money are, and then to come up with a plan.

Are you a saver or a spender? Some people are happy to live with credit cards or a maxed-out overdraft. Some want to pay for everything – leaving the other person feeling in their debt.

There can also be issues to resolve when one partner has a much higher income than the other.

Sharing decisions about spending and saving and discussing money openly will help avoid arguments and tension.

Use these questions to help you understand you and your partner’s attitudes to money and to talk about your goals. It’s important to think about what you both want:

• do you prefer to live for today?
• are you confident managing money?
• do you think it’s important to keep track of income and expenditure?
• do you like to shop around to make money go further or to buy on impulse?
• are you open to discussing money?
• do you feel it’s important to adjust non-essentials when life changes?
• do you ask for help with your money?

Setting goals might take more effort in a relationship. But they help make sure you both know what you’re working towards as you grow your finances.

You’ll also be more prepared for those changes that come along and affect your spending choices.

For example, if you both decide to start a family. It can be a big adjustment when the family grows and income drops because of maternity or adoption pay or if one partner stops working to look after the children.

If talking really is difficult, it might help if you or your partner to speak to someone independent first:

• find the ways we can help you on our Contact us page
• for help with relationship concerns, you can visit Relate
• some workplaces provide services and benefits that offer support.

Having a debt problem can be stressful and isolating. Trying to deal with the situation on your own by keeping it secret will probably only make the stress feel worse.

If you have debt that you’re hiding from your partner, tell them about it as soon as you can. The sooner you have the conversation, the easier it will be.

Think about what your partner is going to want to know when you tell them. Get all your paperwork ready so they can see the whole situation – and that you’re taking it seriously. 

Things your partner might ask you could be:

• why are you in debt? what went wrong?
• how much debt are you in? what are the interest rates?
• who do you owe money to?
• are you being chased by creditors?
• what do you plan to do to sort the debt?

Find a time where you have no plans and no distractions. For example, if you’ve got young children, make sure they’re asleep or out. This will give you plenty of time to go through all the details.

You need to be really honest. There’s no point hiding some things – it’s best to get it all over in one conversation.

Hiding your debts can have wider implications. It might not just be affecting you - for example, it could also your partner’s credit rating.

That’s because if you have a joint bank account, mortgage or credit card, for example, banks and other lenders might look at the financial situation of both people before making a decision.

You can check if you’re linked financially by accessing you credit report, which is free to do.

If you think your partner might be hiding debt from you, it’s important to talk to them about it now.

Read our blog on Spotting the signs of problem debt, which discusses for instance;

• overspending
• being anxious, withdrawn or depressed
• secretive behaviour
• a change in spending habits.

If you discover that your partner has been hiding debts, you have a right to be cross. In fact, it’s normal and understandable. However, now isn’t the time to release that anger. Instead, you need to be practical. Ask your partner for all the facts and figures and find out the exact situation.

Perhaps ask them to contact a debt advice charity. They’ll be able to give free impartial advice on tackling the debt – you could even do this together.

If there’s a big difference in what you and your partner earn, it could cause issues over time as you make financial decisions.

Communicating your needs early and often is a great way to keep frustration, and hurt feelings and pride, to a minimum.

If it’s making it difficult to make decisions, and set financial goals, there are other ways to start talking about money. It’s a good idea to think about:

For example, if your partner has some high-interest credit – you might want to agree they pay that off first before you consider spending on luxuries. Maybe you can help them by both living cheaply for a few months. At the same time, it might help you build your savings as well.

For example, saving for a holiday or retirement. Deciding on goals, making a budget and realistically saying what you will or can do can help you prioritise what’s important.

Talk about whether you should be managing your money jointly or separately. Getting this right can avoid arguments about money.

For example, if one of you wants to share bills 50/50, but one earns a lot less than the other – maybe you need to reduce your outgoings. This could range from eating less expensive food to living somewhere less expensive.

If you’re in a new relationship, you might have existing financial commitments or an ex-partner with whom you shared finances. It’s worth arranging your finances so you can keep any other financial commitments separate from the ones you share with your new partner.

If your partner is secretly gambling, it can have a devastating impact on your finances and relationship.

You might have a feeling that something is wrong but aren’t able to prove that your partner is hiding a gambling addiction. Ask yourself the following questions:

• is your partner secretive about their finances?
• is your partner cagey or defensive about money?
• do they hide bank statements?
• is there money going out of accounts without explanation?

The reality is that when a partner has a gambling problem, it not only hurts their own finances, but their partner and the wider family too.

Someone with a gambling problem might use savings they or the family have, rack up credit card debts or even re-mortgage the family home.

The first thing to do if you think your partner is a problem gambler is to get help. There is a lot of support out there.

Everyone has the right to financial independence.

It’s financial abuse if your partner is:

• controlling your money
• running up debts in your name
• stopping you from being financially independent or earning your own money.

It’s more common than you might think. According to the charity Refuge, one in five UK adults is a victim of financial abuse in a relationship. And this kind abuse often overlaps with physical or emotional abuse.

If you’re in this situation, talking about money might cause your partner to do or say things that put you at risk of mental or physical harm.

It’s important to know that you don’t need to struggle alone. 

You might find it easier to talk about money problems with someone independent if it is affecting your relationship.

The NHS have a tool on their website that tells you what relationship counselling is available in your area. Some services are free, and others might ask for a donation in return.

Find out more on the NHS website

You can also get a free 30-minute webchat with a trained counsellor with the charity Relate If you want more sessions, there’s likely to be a cost which this based on your income.

Relate in Northern Ireland can put you in touch with counsellors close to where you live. Find out more on the relate ni website

You can find a counselling session through the following organisations:

• The Spark
• Relationships Scotland

Another option is to use a free app to help get the conversation moving. ‘Toucan’ is one example. It’s designed for couples to work on together, and includes a module on talking about money.